THE PSYKITTEN PROJECT

Chapter 1:

The Decade Pigeon's on-board systems were controlled by a central computer, which was artificially intelligent - Although 'intelligent' could be a bit over-exaggerative. It was an incorrect assumption of the late 20th century, that when the first A.I.'s were produced, they would be cold hearted, ruthless and far more intelligent than their creators. [ Who should have watched more sci-fi programs as a child, and learned that A.I. computers might not be such a good idea in the first place. - The Kitten.] When people think A.I., they tend to think along the lines of Wintermute, SkyNet, or some other A.I. machine that thought humans were some sort of biohazard in need of disposing. The A.I. on-board the Decade Pigeon was an early prototype. Hence it was a bit... strange. Actually, Anthrop had the characteristics of a 5 year old child with a new toy. It also had a HAL9000 complex.

"AAARRGGHH!" screamed Commander Rebecca Woods, for the second time. "Access the personnel records Anthrop, you overgrown video recorder!" Rebecca Woods commanded the Decade Pigeon. She had passed through the merchant shipping academy with average grades, and had spent several successful tours on mainline commercial vessels, so quite how she came to command this particular ship is still a bit of a mystery. Some people say that one of the previous ship's captains had made 'unlawful advances' towards her, and she had taken matters into her own hands, or rather fists, and with quite a lot of force. Others say that she had farted at the captain's table. Either way no-one was talking, probably with good reason. Woods was a fair commander... Fairly vindictive, fairly vicious and fairly cruel spring to mind.

"No! Teeheehee" smirked the childish, disembodied voice of Anthrop.

"Do it now!" fumed Woods. She tapped the notepad in her hand with a Biro. This was a sure sign that she was irritated. Although the fact she was jumping up and down and screaming at Anthrop, was a slightly bigger clue.

"No!" said Anthrop, in a fit of giggles. "What's the magic word?"

"Go away in no uncertain terms!" Woods shouted. [Her actual words were slightly more colourful. - The Kitten.]

"Sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that" said Anthrop, doing his impersonation of HAL9000.

It was at this point that Second Technician Bill Hobbes strolled onto the bridge. Being a Second Technician on the Decade Pigeon was a strange concept, since they did not have a First Technician. It was his job to maintain the ship's systems; or at least look at bits of it, shake his head and say 'We'll need a new one.' As usual he was wearing his blue mechanics overalls, with various engineering tools and paraphernalia jutting out of the breast and leg pockets. Hobbes wore overalls since the normal officers' uniforms worn by the rest of the crew tended not to last very long on the engineering deck, where he normally worked. Hobbes looked over towards Woods and asked "Wassup Commander?"

"Hi Bill!" sniggered Anthrop, indicating that it was in the room. Technically Anthrop was everywhere, since it was physically the entire ship, but it was common practice of ship A.I.s to say something whenever someone entered a room and someone else was talking. This was to reassure them that the person already there was talking to the ship, rather than to themselves. Of course the A.I.s found it amusing to try and get anyone talking to them to say something embarrassing just at the moment the other person entered the room. [When you think at the speed of light, you find that you get everything that needs doing, done, in about the first 2 seconds. This leaves a lot of free time on the A.I.s hands, (if they had hands) and so they were prone to boredom. - The Kitten.]

"This stupid computer isn't allowing me access to the personnel files!" yelled Woods.

"Why not?" asked Hobbes.

"It wants the magic word." Woods scowled; in a tone so bitter it could have breached the bulkhead.

"She told me to go away in no uncertain terms!" said Anthrop, indignantly. [It’s actual words were slightly more colourful. - The Kitten.]

"Now you know Anthrop can be a bit squirrally, ma'am." said Hobbes.

"Squirrally? Squirrally, badgery, doggy and hedgehoggy is more like it." said Woods "It's a god damn Zoo!"

"Baaaa." bleated Anthrop.

"Just say the magic word, ma'am, and it'll give you the files you requested."

"It's a procreating computer! I shouldn't have to." [A Captain should always set an example, which explains why she’s still a Commander. - The Kitten.]

"You have to realise that Anthrop is part of the crew, just like everyone else, and to treat it with respect, ma'am." said Hobbes. He ambled over to the main bridge console and began to examine several readouts, mainly to hide his face from Woods, which was about to break into a fit of giggles.

"Wow!" exclaimed Anthrop. "You’re that old?"

"I said access the files, not read them you..." cursed Woods.

"Say the magic word then." interrupted Hobbes.

"PLEASE!" screamed Woods.

"Say pretty please!" chortled Anthrop.

Woods screamed loudly, causing Hobbes to cover his ears, and Anthrop to shut down several external audio systems. She pounded the main console with her fist, and stormed out of the bridge; the bridge's pressure door slamming shut behind her. A printout of the personnel files promptly erupted from the printer.

"Oh, has she gone?" sniggered Anthrop.

Pzzzzzz.......

The Decade Pigeon docked at Andractus space station uneventfully. Well, it was uneventful for the fleet of emergency ships, whose everyday job it was to rescue people from space stations that had just been rammed. Andractus was a trading station in orbit around one of Jupiter's moons. It had the appearance of a plate resting on a cup, with a large antenna spike jutting out from the bottom. It was also as technically sophisticated as a plate resting on a cup with an antenna spike jutting out the bottom. The station, instead of using rotation to produce gravity as with larger space stations, Andractus used suppression fields similar to the type found on ships to simulate gravity. This method resulted in most of the stations populous feeling nauseous during T.V. advert breaks. It was at these times most of the station's power was being used to make coffee, instead of creating the artificial gravity, resulting in severe gravitational fluctuations throughout the station. This meant the station was shadier than a dark alley during a lunar eclipse, being a hang out for every pirate and mercenary in the system.

"So who is this new second-in-command?" commented Private Andy Parts. Parts was a very difficult person to introduce to friends, and it wasn't because of his personal hygiene either. Parts was a small man, who acted as a general dogs-body around the ship during flight. 'Dogs' body was a fitting term to use, as he gave the impression that he was about to come up to you and sniff you in the crotch.

"Someone called Lieutenant Peter Moray." said Woods "He's been on a Military Explorer Ship for five years."

"A Military Explorer Ship? Oh, a warship." said Parts.

"The Military Explorer Ships are not warships." pointed out Woods. "Their missions are to find alien civilisations and make contact."

"Preferably with lots of ammo." commented Parts.

"The MES's only use force if fired upon. Their main mission is that of peace." retorted Woods, who was beginning to be annoyed at Parts.

"Strange then, how the only 'peace's' they make are small, and not easily identifiable as to what they were originally." replied Parts.

"Never mind that now." said Woods, desperate to change the subject "We're to meet Moray in the 'Glitter Bar' on G deck."

"Strange that, how this station has 26 levels, exactly one for each letter in the alphabet. I wonder what they would have done if there had been 27 decks?"

"27 decks? What are you blathering on about?" said Woods, whose train of thought, after a rapid change of tracks, had just become derailed, thanks to Parts.

"I was... oh never mind." He paused, deep in thought. Well, Parts' thoughts were as about as deep as a kiddies' paddling pool; but that's beside the point. "The Glitter Bar? Bit of a posh place that, all that silvery stuff. I never drink in a place where you can see several images of the same person while your still sober." said Parts, in a tone of voice that held as much respect as for something stuck to his shoe. [Parts was well renowned for his knowledge of drinks, namely for the amount he could consume - The Kitten.]

"The meeting place was my choice." scowled Woods.

"Oh." replied Parts, using the most popular phrase for understatement.

After arriving at the entrance to the Glitter bar, Commander Woods went inside, while Parts waited outside. In the course of several minutes, Parts was approached by several security guards, two children, and dog like creature with fleas and a spanner in its mouth. (With which Parts had a deep discussion about warp drives with. Just because it was a dog doesn't mean it wasn't technically minded.) And a Bible Salesman.

Woods looked around the bar, there was so much light reflecting off the tables and chairs; it looked like a business convention on dentistry for game-show hosts. There could be no mistaking that this was The Glitter Bar. In the corner of the room a pathetic looking man in a military uniform sat drinking some form of clear liquid. From the personnel file recovered from Anthrop, she recognised him as Lieutenant Moray. She approached him and sat down at the table.

"Lieutenant Peter Moray?" said Woods quizzically.

Moray examined Woods. She was a career woman, and in Moray's book that made her just above fish on the evolutionary scale. Worst of all, he had to work for her.

Woods looked at Moray. She saw the 'She's just above fish on the evolutionary scale' look and rated him just below a slug.

"Yes?" said Moray. He examined Woods more closely. She was approaching 6 feet in height, with the sort of face that says 'Who Me?', which could be taken as either innocence, or evil vindictiveness; he still had to decide which. She was wearing a white uniform with lapels, which bore the rank insignia of Commander, and she wore a military style cap; it was a typical merchant uniform.

"I'm Commander Rebecca Woods, the ships captain." said Woods, who looked at Moray's face, thinking that she had seen faces like that on a better class of corpse.

The question 'How can a commander captain?' seemed too dangerous to ask, especially on the first day of a new job. Moray settled for "Pleased to meet you." in a voice so slick it could have oiled the gear-train of a juggernaut.

"So, hum..." Her voice trailed off, as she strove for something to say. "What's that your drinking?" It was a desperate attempt at idle chatter, something that a Commander is not trained to do. They were expected to say things like 'Fire all phasers!' and 'We must save the colonists no matter the cost!' and other sentences ending with an exclamation mark, not 'So what music do you like?' and 'Do you come here often?'

"Water."

"Water?"

"Yes, it's that wet stuff you find it in lakes."

Woods floundered. "Er, would you like to go see the ship now?"

"No, not yet."

Woods stalled and the nose of her conscience began to dip below the horizon. He was supposed to say 'Yes', and then they were to go to the Decade Pigeon for a guided tour. 'No' was defiantly a small glitch in her well-made plan. And Woods hated it when things didn't run according to plan. She frowned.

"I have to pick up my luggage from the hotel first." added Moray.

Woods sighed with relief. "OK, We'll go now. Let's pick up your luggage on the way to the ship."

Moray finished off his drink and followed Woods out of the bar. They then retrieved Parts from the clutches of two security guards, who were trying to frisk him for acting suspiciously. It was plainly obvious Parts wasn't putting up much of a resistance, and was enjoying the attention. Once the security guards had been persuaded to leave, (Using credits, and threats that would make a prison warden blush,) they all headed towards the hotel.

"Spoilsports." commented Parts.

PZZZZZZZZZZZZ....

"This is the Engineering deck." said Hobbes, gesturing towards the myriad of consoles and computer banks. Access panels could be seen across most of the walls, floors and ceilings, allowing an engineer to access the main power and propulsion systems.

"Hence all the electronics." said Moray with a slight hint of sarcasm. [It is often assumed that people who are second in command are backstabbing power hungry egomaniacs who don't have friends, and that by some universal fluke have not been allowed command of a ship, which is their only goal in life. Of course this most certainly true. - The Kitten]

Hobbes gave Moray a look that could have cut through several inches of titanium, however, it seemed to have little effect on Moray, who continued to look around the room in disgust. Hobbes counted to ten, and then continued. "And over there is the main power flux field coil antimatter drive generator." Hobbes pointed at a long metallic cylinder.

"No it's not. That's an air-duct."

"Well of course it is! I knew that." which he didn't. "It was a test. We can't have an officer who doesn't know all the aspects of the ship's functions." Hobbes moved over to the centre engineering console, and leaned against it. "On a good day the Decade Pigeon can reach light speed in 3 hours."

"Hum, what good day would that be?"

"Probably the day we get too close to a black hole." said Hobbes, trying to beat Moray at his own game, which on reflection was a bad idea. It was like trying to out-bullshit a politician.

"How fast can *this* go when in warpspace?" questioned Moray. [Quantum Theory (I.E.: Techie bit...): The faster an object travels in the multiverse, the more mass it gains. When an object reaches the speed of light, it gains infinite mass. (Einstein's Theory) But with mass comes gravity, and infinite mass means infinite gravity. This can cause a bit of a problem, namely that of the whole universe being compacted to something the size of a garden pea when you reach light-speed. For some reason, people don't want this to happen. (Land value will increase for starters.) So to travel *very* quickly, you hop into another dimension called warpspace, which allows faster than light travel, just before you reach light-speed. (In fact, Nature isn't too keen on being the size of a garden pea anyway, and becomes annoyed at anything that tries to gain infinite mass, and when nature gets pissed off at you, you're in for some *real* problems.) - The Kitten]

"She can reach factor 10." lied Hobbes.

"Strange. How come the gauge only goes to 8 then?"

"We didn't want to show off." replied Hobbes. Moray was starting to get on his nerves like a badly picked metaphor.

At this point it may be worth mentioning Chief of Security Marvin Dwight. This is because he stormed into the room, and floored Lieutenant Moray with a diving tackle; to Moray this was similar to kissing trucks, head-on, on the motorway. Dwight was built like a brick wall, and was only slightly more intelligent, this made him perfect for security work. As security chief he wore a uniform that was a similar style to the other officers, except it was in a green camouflage pattern, which on reflection, wasn't the best camouflage for the grey steel interior of a ship.

"WWWWWWWWAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!" screamed Moray.

"Who are you?" Dwight asked Moray, Dwight was straddled over Moray, with one massive hand holding Moray's head to the floor... by the neck.

Hobbes finally decided it was now safe to come out from behind the console. He tried desperately to keep a straight face.

"Get..." Moray managed to say, before he made a violent choking sound, while squirming under Dwight’s powerful grip. "...off me you baffoon!"

"Who are you?" asked Dwight for the second time.

"He's Lieutenant Peter Moray, the new officer." said Hobbes, with a 'not quite a poker face' expression.

"Get off me NOW!" choked Moray.

"Oh, Er, Sorry." said Dwight, releasing his grip from Moray's throat. "I didn't know you were the new officer." Dwight stood up, and helped Moray to his feet.

Moray dusted himself down and stared at Dwight. "Oh. So who else could I have been? A terrorist? A thief? A Mormon?"

"What's a Mormon?" inquired Dwight.

"It's a moron who's religious." quipped Hobbes.

"Excuse me!" interrupted Moray.

"Why? What have you done?" asked Dwight. Dwight was so slow on the uptake, he normally had to wait for the returning downtake to understand what was going on.

"Do you normally jump on people with no warning?" said Moray.

"Well, I sometimes yell 'charge' or summin' like that."

"So your the chief of security." commented Moray maliciously.

"I am?"

"Who hired you?"

"Rebecca did, huh huh. She's nice."

"Well I'm here now, so there's going to be a few changes round here." commented Moray, who hadn't quite grasped the concept of 'cliché'.

"Like?" said Hobbes.

"Better food perhaps?" asked Dwight.

"Aaaarrrgh." moaned Moray in frustration. "I can't stand any more of this rubbish." And with that Moray stormed out of the room.

"What a nice man." said Dwight. "He should calm down a bit though. The stress of such a high position could get to a man like that if he's not careful."

"You're such a card sometimes Dwight."

"Am I? I thought I was chief security officer."

Hobbes knocked on the Commander's door, there was no reply. He tried the door, then the lock, still the door refused to open.

"Override Woods’ door lock Anthrop... please."

"Tee Hee, What are you up to Hobbes?" sniggered Anthrop.

"Where's Woods?"

"Inside, you lucky dog." said Anthrop with so much innuendo that Julian Clairey would have been given a run for his money.

"Look, I just want to talk to her."

"Ah, a nice long space cruise, so little to do... how will you fill your time?" Anthrop burst into a fit of hysterics.

"Anthrop, would you please just open the door?"

"Would you like the security alarms disabling too?"

"The door will do fine."

"Sure?"

"Yes!"

"OK." Anthrop opened the door, then promptly screamed "Awoooga!" as he did one of its alarm impressions.

Hobbes jumped violently into the air. "Wwaarrghh."

"Sorry. Tee hee hee hee ."

Hobbes frowned, sighed, and looked inside. Woods was standing in front of her desk, with her back to the door. She had a set of earphones on and was trying to dance.

"Ahem."

Woods continued to dance, unable to hear Hobbes over the music being played over the earphones. Hobbes marvelled at the way she could dance to the music with only two foot of earphone cable tying her head to the desk. [Woods could also do several other dances, such as the 'Holding the words in one hand and trying to dance while singing along.' and 'Dancing very gently so the CD player doesn't jump.' - The Kitten]

"She's crap." sniggered Anthrop.

"Ahem!" repeated Hobbes, slightly louder this time.

Woods continued to dance, oblivious to Hobbes. She then proceeded to do a very complex motion with her hips, which gradually moved up her body, ending at her head. This motion promptly removed the earphones from her ears, sending the earphones scattering across the desk.

"AHEM!" shouted Hobbes, too late to stop himself.

Woods jerked round in surprise, and collapsed backwards against the desk.

"Surprise!" giggled Anthrop.

"Ah, when you didn't answer the door I..." flustered Hobbes, turning bright red. He tried to regain his composure, and continued. "It's just that someone wants to see you. Government dude. Wants to talk money."

Woods brushed her hair away from her face. Something Hobbes thought rather... nice. "What's his name?"

"A 'Mr Black-overcoat-dude-with-shades' ma'am." said Hobbes, still trying his best to regain his composure.

"And what does he want?"

"He'll only talk to you, ma'am."

"Why does he wear sunglasses indoors?" queried Anthrop. "He's already walked into three support pillars."

"So people don't recognise him." answered Hobbes.

"That's silly," said Anthrop. "I've only seen one other person wearing sunglasses on the entire station. Doesn't exactly make him blend in with the crowd."

There was a dull 'flesh on metal' thud and a groan from the deck below.

"However he is blending in with the scenery quite nicely." sniggered Anthrop.

Woods grabbed hold of her jacket and headed out of the door. She turned to Hobbes and said "Well lets go see what he wants, and Hobbes..."

"Yes ma'am?"

"Next time knock."

PZZZZZZZZZZZ....System On-line. Begin Boot Up Sequence...

They descended to the lower deck and entered the conference room. Inside 'Mr Black-overcoat-dude-with-shades' was nursing a bloody nose.

"Connander Inner?" managed Mr Black-overcoat-dude-with-shades through a rather blood clotted nose.

"Yes I am. And this is my technician, Bill Hobbes. What can we do for you?"

"Dive cun here to offer you a miffon." spluttered Mr B.O.D.W.S.

"He said 'I've come here to offer you a mission.'" offered Hobbes.

Woods gave Hobbes a warning look.

"I wanf fou to go to a fmall plunet to collect a 'paffage'."

"This is fun." sniggered Anthrop. "Do you do children's parties?"

"Which planet?" asked Woods.

"The plunet if called..." Mr B.O.D.W.S. blew into a handkerchief, clearing his nose, and turning his hanky a bright shade of red. This he then placed in his pocket with a squelch. "Phurian IV. It's in sector 5,7355,8008. The package with have to be 'acquired' though."

Anthrop burst into hysterics. "Hey, if you turn that upside down it spells...."

"Acquired?" Woods interrupted. "Just how much force will be needed to 'acquire' this package?"

"Just a few troops, the place is only lightly guarded. The job pays five hundred thousand credits. Are you interested?"

Anthrop whistled.

"What's the package, might we ask?"

"That is none of your concern for the moment. Do you accept?"

"Yes!" shouted Anthrop eagerly.

"We'll do it, but we want two hundred and fifty thousand credits in advance." Woods paused for dramatic effect. "Non-refundable of course."

"But of course." He smiled knowingly "Here are the credits, and a detailed brief of the mission." Mr B.O.D.W.S. handed Woods a small, rather thin, black suitcase. "This has nothing to do with any governmental agency you understand, and I was never here, but someone of your reputation is bound to know that."

"If you don't belong to the government," asked Anthrop, who found 'clandestine' was just another word beginning with 'c', or failing that, a small citrus fruit. "How come it says 'If found, please return to the nearest Central Intelligence Agency building.', on your briefcase?"

Rushed by Anthrop’s blatancy, Mr B.O.D.W.S. blurted "Well, I have to go now. Er, Business to attend to. Good luck on the mission.", and with that he turned around and walked straight into another pillar support.

Anthrop couldn't take any more and broke down again into hysterics.

"I'll show you out." offered Hobbes, taking Mr B.O.D.W.S. by the arm, and leading him out of the conference room.

Woods was left alone in the conference room.

"Anthrop?" asked Woods.

Through fits of smirking, Anthrop replied "Yes?"

"Nothing."

Woods returned to her cabin. Sitting down at her desk she opened the suitcase. Inside was a CD, and two hundred and fifty thousand credits, in unmarked one thousand credit units. She picked up one of the credits and examined it closely. The anti-counterfeit hologram gleamed in the light. Returning the credit unit, she picked up the CD. The small silvery disk showed her reflection in its surface. She spent a few moments examining her reflection, pondering the day's events. She then pressed a button under the monitor on her desk, and a tray quietly slid out from under the screen. Woods carefully placed the CD on the tray, and watched it slide back into the monitor. The screen flickered into life, a face stared out from the monitor.

"Greetings Commander." said the face on the screen. It was the same person who delivered the suitcase, except this time without the glasses. "Your mission is to retrieve an experimental life-form from the Techtadyne Research Laboratory based in the main capital, Deuterous, on Phurian IV. We cannot ascertain at this time what the life-form looks like, only it's approximate location and it's importance. This life-form must be returned alive, or the remaining credits will not be paid, and the deposit will be reclaimed." The face made a rather cruel sneer at the word 'reclaimed', suggesting that it may not be a good idea to be around at the refund. "Included on this disk are complete schematics of the laboratory, and the estimated location of said life-form. The project's name is 'BIO-INT/3'."

"Hum." hummed Woods. She flicked through various schematics by touching the monitor's screen. She decided that it would be best to go through the schematics again later with Dwight. The complex was not heavily guarded, and the Decade Pigeon's normal security complement should be able to take care of them. No problems. [ As a merchant vessel, the Decade Pigeon contained a 'sizeable' security force, distinguishable by their red uniforms. They were referred to by many names, such as 'Security Contingent', 'Tactical Suppression Units', or more often as 'Cannon Fodder'. ]

System Ready. Network on-line.

'KNOX' security system established, all remote sites isolated.

Host attempting to connect...
Connection established.

Begin Bio-interface test when ready_

"Are we set to go?" said Woods. She surveyed the crew on the bridge. Everyone was at their assigned positions. Hobbes, Moray, and Parts were all busy at their consoles preparing to un-dock from the station.

"All systems are on-line and operational." fibbed Hobbes. Nothing worked exactly how it should on the Decade Pigeon; for example, it takes a while for new crew members to become used to the coffee supplied by the ship's food dispensers, because it was a rather vivid green colour.

"I feel great!" said Anthrop, which was the closest thing it had to a systems check.

"Prepare to release the docking collar." commanded Woods. "On my mark... Mark!"

Hobbes pressed a small button marked 'purge'. The light inside the button flickered from red to green. "Docking Collar released."

"Want to bet on that?" remarked Anthrop.

Hobbes pounded the button with his fist.

"Owww!" whined Anthrop. From outside the ship there was a loud metallic clang.

"Collar released." repeated Hobbes.

"Fire the manoeuvring thrusters." ordered Moray.

Parts took hold of a joystick on his console and applied pressure to the stick. The Decade Pigeon began to tumble away from the station, the small manoeuvring jets casting eerie blue shadows along the station's surface. The ship vibrated slightly under the force of the thrusters. After a short while, the station was lost in the background of stars.

"We're clear of the station, Commander." announced Parts.

"Begin main engine start sequence."

Hobbes flicked a few switches on a panel marked 'Engine Start.' and frowned. Several important gauges suddenly started to skyrocket off the scales. Hobbes began to freak. "Shit! The engines are going nova!" he yelled, and grabbed the sides of his head and grimaced.

Anthrop sniggered. "Just kidding!" [It was for this reason that the crew takes the ship out of dock manually. Anthrop was quite capable of piloting itself, however it tended to make the rides a little more 'exciting'. The final straw was when a passenger they were assigned to transport had a heart attack after Anthrop flew through an asteroid field at near light speed. - The Kitten.]

The gauges dropped back to their 'normal' levels. From the rear of the ship begun a low bass rumble as the engines fired. The Decade Pigeon , the glow from its main engines lighting up the sides of its barren hull, began its long burn towards light-speed. With the patience of a saint, the Decade Pigeon slipped out of the moon's orbit.

"Alter course for the Phurian system, Anthrop." said Woods.

"Where's that then?" commented Anthrop in slight bemusement.

"You should know, your the one running the Nav console." snarled Woods.

"Oh, so I am. Which way is north then?"

Five hours later the Decade pigeon had reached a safe distance from the gravitational field of Jupiter, and the crew began to prepare for the jump into warpspace.

"All backup systems on-line and ready, Commander. We can proceed with the warp jump." announced Hobbes.

"OK, initiate the jump drive." commanded Woods.

With that, Hobbes powered up the warp vanes on the side of the ship. The warp vanes, now with a large potential charge over them, began to distort reality around the ship, creating a gateway through to warpspace. It was through this gateway that the Decade Pigeon passed through into the realm of warpspace.

Most modern spacecraft, when entering warpspace, appear to cause a large flash, and the ship's image contorts and stretches, before vanishing into the distance; this effect caused by the Doppler Effect of travelling faster than light. You could imagine that's what happened to the Decade Pigeon, but unfortunately it didn't, its image just faded away. This happens with all ships entering warpspace, but passengers who had spent a fortune to travel through space were very disappointed at discovering this fact. After a few years, ships that carried passengers, started to fit holographic projectors to the hull, to give a more snazzy appearance when they entered into warpspace. This was successful, until a passenger comment on the fact that the flight in warpspace itself looked boring. The stars didn't even stretch, because warpspace not only allowed the spacecraft to travel faster than light, it also allowed light to travel faster than light, making warpspace look identical to real space. The ship captains, totally annoyed by passengers commenting on warpspace travel being very dull indeed, replaced all the portholes in the ship's hull with TV sets. These sets played clips of all the good bits from films like Star Wars, and passengers found that space travel was interesting after all, and the captains got a bit of peace and quiet.

"So this is what our entire defence budget has been spent on? A kitten?"

The kitten began to paw at the glass pane in front of him, and was purring gently through the intercom.

"It's no ordinary kitten sir, believe me. The kitten is mainly a biological storage device. It's brain is a highly sophisticated Wet-ware Bio-Computer. We just use a kitten's body to keep the brain alive. It's small, compact, and doesn't require batteries. You just have to remember to keep it away from dogs!" He laughed nervously. The Director just stared at him blankly.

"This had better be impressive Doctor."

"Please direct your attention to the monitor sir. As you can see, a powerful KNOX security system is in place. The remote terminal this host is interfaced to is your office terminal. A hard target for even your most seasoned hacker to access, is it not?"

"You must have an excellent hacker just to be able to find my terminal's address. But the security system in place is one of the best. Knowing the address is of no use to you. The code is impossible to crack."

"I'm sure it is, to your ordinary hacker, but we have something for you which is extraordinary."

The kitten stared through the glass at the people beyond. It pawed at its head. That awful buzzing was starting again. The kitten bowed its head and tried to will the pain away, wishing the buzzing would stop.

Hello Dr Davison, test is now starting. Please wait.

Logging on remote host...

Access Denied.

Access Denied.

Access Denied.

Access Denied.

Access Denied.

Access Deni...

Access Granted, Select an option_

Dwight was in the recreation room, busy watching TV, which is quite an achievement, most people look damn lazy while watching TV. Dwight didn’t have much to do while in deep space, since anyone trying to board a ship in a hard vacuum tended to be given away by the loud hiss, so, security wasn’t a problem. As a result, he spent most of his time watching TV.

It was believed that the future would hold thousands of channels with everything a viewer could wish to watch, however, they never took into account how much the subscription fees for "several thousand channels of everything you could possibly wish to watch" would cost. As a result, the average household could afford all of four channels, which came as a bit of a disappointment to anyone who paid their T.V. licence.

"What’s that your watching?" enquired Parts.

"‘The Amazing Colossal Man’ with subtitles for the hard of humour." replied Dwight from his lazy chair, which was very aptly named.

"Hard of Humour?" questioned Parts as he sat down in an empty chair.

"Yup. They take old nineteen fifties ‘B’ movies and add extra subtitles. Just watch it and see."

Parts watched the screen, the seen showed a light aircraft flying over a desert, then the scene cut to a radio room.

"Ground to Pilot, Ground to Pilot..." said the radio operator.

"Pilot on Acid: S**t, the ground’s talking, Argh!!!" popped up the subtitle.

"You are flying over a *Nuclear* Bomb Test site, turn back immediately!" warned the operator.

"I see the U.S. government is keeping the test Top Secret..." showed the subtitle.

"*Nuclear* Bomb Detonation in 5... 4... 3..." warned a loudspeaker.

"32, 69, 98 Hut! Hut!! Hut!!!" prompted the subtitle.

"Warning! The *Nuclear* bomb has failed to detonate! Remain in your bunkers!" stressed the loudspeaker.

"The distinct non-flash, followed by the non-boom, followed by the very-non-gust of wind may have given that away..." suggested the subtitles.

The screen showed the plane’s engine fail, and the plane began to plummet towards the ground and eventually crashed. The fuselage was ripped open, and a small fire started.

"Stewardess. Since we have a breeze in here now, can we smoke?" queried the subtitle.

"I’ve got to go and save the Pilot, he might still be alive!" exclaimed an Army Captain, leaping out of a trench and towards the wreckage.

"The Hero: Person of limited intelligence." quipped the subtitle.

"Don’t, you’ll be killed if that *Nuclear* bomb detonates!" yelled a squad member, rather wisely from the safety of the trench.

"He’ll be perfectly safe. I mean, you can see the bomb quite easily from here, so he’ll know when it goes off." commented the subtitle.

"Argh." said the Captain, as the bomb detonates.

"Well THERE’S a surprise." said the subtitle.

The scene cuts to a hospital room. "Hello Mrs Jones. Your husband is lucky to be alive after that *Nuclear* bomb detonated." said the "all knowing Doctor in white lab coat", to the frail looking "all American wife in a summer dress".

"He was standing at ground zero, and he survives, and your saying he’s LUCKY? Damn, get him to Las Vegas!" said the subtitle, whose operator was probably getting sick of the film already.

"Will he be all right?" asked Mrs Jones, nervously.

"Well he’s suffered massive radiation burns over his entire body, and we don’t know how his exposure to such a large dose of gamma radiation from that *Nuclear* bomb could have effected his body chemistry." replied the doctor.

"No." the subtitle gave as a much shorter reply to the question.

"Can I see him now?" asked Mrs Jones.

"Only if they haven’t changed the film schedules, and this doesn’t turn out to be "‘The Invisible Man’" the subtitle commented.

"Be prepared for a shock Mrs Jones, the burns from the *Nuclear* bomb will have horribly disfigured him." warned the doctor, as he removed the bandages.

"Oh goody, things are getting interesting now." said the subtitle, a glint of hope in it’s little font.

"Why doctor, he looks fine!" remarked Mrs Jones, looking at Mr Jones’ perfectly normal face.

"" commented the text, it’s font sagging slightly.

"Why, I don’t understand it!" exclaimed the doctor.

"No... Really?" was printed at the base of the screen.

"And they made a sequel to this?" commented Dwight.

"What else is on?" asked Parts.

"Dunno. Lets see..." said Dwight. And with that he took the TV remote and started to flick though the channels.

"Charlie says, never play with loaded shotguns..." uttered a badly animated little boy on the screen.

"Meeoorrrwwoor." uttered Charlie, who’s only resemblance to a cat, would be to the sort of cat called ‘Smudge’, which liked to chase the oncoming cars.

"Nothing on the Public Information Film channel." said Dwight.

Hobbes walked along the length of the hanger bay, the hanger was vast and grey, and very sparse, as hangers should be. In the middle of the bay sat the large, sleek, and rather green form of ‘Steel Talons’, a Delta Class Dropship. The dropship was used in planetary landings. The Decade Pigeon was capable of atmospheric flight, but with the shear bulk of the craft, and its reliability, the smaller dropship was normally used for transportation to the planet's surface. Dropships were unreliable craft, and like the helicopters of the late 20th century, were fitted with skis, wheels, floats, or anything else needed to land on whatever designers thought it would end up crashing on. This also gave rise to the name ‘drop’- ship, because the word ‘launch’ was considered over-optimistic. The dropship was called 'Steel Talons', because it had two clawed, stubby landing legs, and a pointed cockpit, which gave it the appearance of a rather mean bird of prey. It also had quite a nasty peck, it's vast hull home to several long, white cylindrical missiles, and two multi-barrelled machine guns, allowing it to be used in those 'awkward' landings. Unlike the Decade Pigeon, the Talon was highly advanced, in good working order, and was well maintained. This was because it was the crew's money earner, and so it needed to be in good condition for the crew to get back home for the paycheque.

Grabbing the ladder, he hauled himself up into the cockpit, his flight-suit causing numerous rattles and clangs to be produced on the way up. Once at the top of the ladder, Hobbes opened the glass canopy, and climbed into the pilots seat, and strapped himself in. From his breast pocket he produced a small black box, the only distinguishing feature of the box being a few slots cut into one side. This was placed on top of the cockpits console.

"Music deck. Rock. Late twentieth century.... Motivational." Hobbes told the black box.

"Selecting.... Choice made." replied the black box with a feminine tone of voice.

Hobbes’ fingers moved over several consoles, flicking various switches. The console hummed into life as monitor and indictor lights began to glow, casting multicoloured shadows across Hobbes' helmet visor. The music began to play, a heavy rock beat filling the cabin.

"A.I. Link is being established. Standby." Replied another feminine voice, this time it was the dropship computer.

Hobbes’ fingers started to tap the console in time to the music.

Get your motor running...

"A.I. Link established. Navigational information download commencing."

Head out on the highway....

"Download complete. Commencing launch preparations."

From the rear of the craft came a large bang, and then a long whining hiss, as hydraulics lowered the main loading ramp. Dwight ushered his combat squad onboard the craft, their feet causing metallic ringing as they stomped up the loading ramp.

"Strap in troops, and check your gear. We drop in two." Dwight ordered his troops with an air of professionalism. Dwight was now in his element, and was now acting like a skilled soldier, rather than the slow-witted officer he had to be during the boring moments. The assault squad checked their packs and buckled up their seat harnesses.

Looking for adventure...

Woods and Moray followed the troops up the ramp, at a slightly more informal rate, and once on-board, Woods closed the loading bay ramp behind him, the hydraulics squealing as the loading ramp was pulled closed.

And whatever comes our way.

"OK Parts, we're ready to roll. Anthrop, de-pressurise the hold and kick us out." Hobbes instructed over the intercom. Parts was remaining with the Decade Pigeon to maintain the ship while the crew where on the planet's surface.

"Hold de-pressurising now, Good luck guys, and don't forget the postcard." replied Parts. And with that, Anthrop began the de-pressurising sequence of the hanger.

Yeah God, gonna make it happen,

Klaxons sounded as the air began to be withdrawn by giant air pumps in the ventilation system, and strobes flashed across the Talons' hull, painting it with a garish yellow light.

"Caution, De-pressurisation in progress, Hard vacuum in T - Minus 1 minute." warned the hanger bay Control System.

"As if the rather loud hissing noise hasn’t given it away." retorted Anthrop to the Control System.

The Control System started to moan. "Well I have to warn people, it’s my job. It’s not as if I get much else to do. It’s all right for you, being able to run the whole ship, but us Subsystems don’t have anything interesting to do. I mean, all I do is open the hanger door once every few months. It’s not exactly mentally stimulating."

"Just like your conversational skills." sighed Anthrop.

The Subsystem just blew a raspberry in reply.

Take the world in a love embrace...

Hobbes' instruments showed that the Decade's artificial gravity field had been switched off in the hanger so he retracted the landing claws, the ship's metallic legs withdrawing from their restraints on the hanger deck and folding up into the ships hull. Small thrusters on the ships hull fired sporadically to keep the Steel Talons centred in the hanger. After all the air was removed, the enormous doors of the hanger slid slowly open, revealing the black void beyond.

Fire all the guns at once and....

"This is Talons, we're history.", and with that, Hobbes fired the main engines, causing Steel Talons to leap from the hanger and streak out into space.

...explode into space..

"How come it's so intelligent? Surely it's brain is too small for such intelligence."

"That's the clever bit. It's brain only contains basic instincts, and left on it's own, it would act like a normal kitten. But when someone is nearby, it links with that person's mind, taking on the traits of the owner, including that persons memories and intellect. It's this link which allows control of the kitten."

"So to use it, One would just have to hold it?"

"That, or close proximity to it. The kitten is basically... an interface."

"Can it read human minds as well as computers?"

"This is the dropship 'Steel Talons', registration code XC-378, requesting permission to land at Deuterous Spaceport." called Hobbes over the radio.

"This is Deuterous Traffic Control, Steel Talons, please hold for verification." There was a pause while the traffic controller checked the computer's records to verify the identity of the dropship, and its legal status. After a short while, the controller returned. "You are clear to land on Pad 5, Steel Talons. Follow the beacon down. Welcome to Phurian IV."

"Thanks Control." replied Hobbes.

The dropship then began to nose-dive down towards Deuterous, the atmospheric shielding of the craft glowing as it entered the planet's atmosphere. The craft bucked around and shook as the craft rocketed downwards towards the surface. Slowly, the main spaceport appeared over the horizon.

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