MEGADOG'S CURRY

The following is a description of industrial chemistry. Before starting, please ensure that there are no local zoning restrictions prohibiting such activities in your area. You may require licensing from the FDA, AEA or EPA to undertake certain processes described below.

The publishers of this recipe hereby declare that they accept no responsibility for its' improper use. The Surgeon General has determined that uncontrolled use of this product may cause cancer in rats. Not for distribution in the Philippines or Japan. For use by adults only. Objects in food may be hotter than they appear. Your mileage may vary. Non-vegetarian product. Contains permitted colourings and preservatives. Subject to status - written terms on request. May be harmful to the unborn fetus. Not for use by the elderly or infirm. May be too intense for some diners. Batteries not included. For recreational and off-road use only. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Keep away from fire or flame. Please keep your hands and arms inside the car while ride is in motion. Contestants have been briefed before the show. Do not write below this line.

So there, you've been warned! Now read on, if you dare...

Reagents

Toilet Rolls: 2
Minced beef: 1 pound
Onions: 1/2 pound

[i recommend the small onions about 1 to 2 inches across - they are more powerful!]
Chopped Tomatoes: 1 can
Celery: 4 sticks, chopped finely
Garlic: 1/2 clove
Ground Fenugreek: 1 Tablespoon
Turmeric: 1 Tablespoon
Hot Paprika: 1 Tablespoon
Ground Coriander: 1 Tablespoon [or 2, or 3 if you dare!]
Cumin Powder: 1 Teaspoon [or 2...]
Mace: 1 Tablespoonful.
Nutmeg: 1, grated
Salt: According to taste.
Olive Oil: 1 Tablespoon

[makes one to two servings depending on appetite]

Experimental Method

Note: Before commencing to cook, for their own safety please ensure any children, breakable objects, small animals etc. are removed from the area. You are advised to check that your medical insurance is current, you have your physician's phone-number to hand, and that you know the directions to the local emergency hospital.

Place the toilet rolls to cool in the refrigerator some hours before commencing food preparation.

Peel and chop the onions finely. Fry them in the oil until the onions become transparent.

Add the minced beef, turn up the heat, and stir regularly for about 10 minutes or until the beef is cooked.

Add the tomatoes, celery and herbs/spices.

Reduce the heat and simmer for 10 minutes (or longer, if it needs it to drive off the excess liquid - you're aiming for a sloppy-but-stable mixture, not anything too runny. If it looks like a dog's diarrhea, cook it some more!).

Serve with saffron rice, iced water, and the co-operation of your local fire department.

Notes:

Smoke and flames are an indication of criticality; this is not a part of the normal cooking process. If these signs are observed during the preparation of this meal, you are advised to evacuate the area for a radius of at least 1/4 mile and request immediate assistance from appropriately trained personnel. *DO NOT* re-enter the danger zone until permitted to do so by a certified radiation control officer.

Waste Disposal:

Any un-eaten curry, together with all utensils involved in its' preparation, constitute high-level waste with a half-life in excess of 25,000 years. Appropriate precautions must be taken to ensure safe disposal. Suitable precautions include encasing in lead-lined drums and deep burial at sea, or sale to unspecified Middle Eastern governments for use in their atomic weapons program.

So there ya go. If the bottom has fallen out of your world, try a MegaDog Curry - then the world will fall out of your bottom!

Recipe devised by Megadog.

HISTORY:

This was cooked for all the Weres who attended EuroHowl'96. The side effects were rather "pronounced", and also resulted in the discovery of "Utlah Pink", a rather vivid bright red.

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