Ashen Claw's Werecard

Reply-To: ashen-claw@iname.com

Human Name: Matt Sparling
Were Name: Ashen Claw
Phenotype: Wolf
Shifting Ability: Mental/Spiritual/Dream
Birthdate: January 2nd, 1979

Birthplace: Brantford, Ontario (Canada)
Home Territory: Hamilton, Ontario
Dream Territory: Far northern Ontario/NWT; damp, lush taiga forests, anywhere covered by snow a good part of the year and cool and damp the rest of the year.

Physical Description, Human: Tall; dark brown shoulder-length hair; yellow/green eyes. I'm told I'm somewhat menacing at times, but this is not what I intend in the slightest (well, most of the time)
Physical Description, Were: A large, black wolf with powerful shoulders and grey threads of hair not unlike smouldering edges of burning charcoal
Human Career: Student/Artist/Dreamer

Hobbies/Interests: Writing, photography, computer art. I try to do a lot of dreamwork whenever I can, particularly lucid dreaming. I used to play Jazz piano late at night, but that's been slow lately...
Favourite Movie(s): Lexx: The Dark Zone Stories (all eight crazy hours of it!), Contact, Dark City, Starship Troopers, Gataca, Heat
Favourite Literature: The Cunning Man, Robertson Davies; Memnoch the Devil, Anne Rice; The Lucid Dreamer, Malcolm Godwin; Weaveworld, Clive Barker
Favourite Art: Van Gogh's 'Starry Night'; Ansel Adams; Magritte; Dorothy Simpson Kraus; Katrin Eismann's 'Nightmare'
Favourite Saying/Quote: "Survival is the Key" -Bog, Lexx 3.0: Eating Pattern
Favourite Song/Band(s): Jam&Spoon (Follow me!); "Silence" (and everything else), Delirium; Loreena McKennit; Portishead ("Numb"); "The Box", Orbital; "Wonderful World", Louis Armstrong
Favourite Were Movie: Only seen one - "Wolf" (Nicholson)
Favourite Were Literature: Haven't read enough yet...
Favourite Were Art: Tony Ditterlizzi (White wolf?)
Favourite Were Saying/Quote: "Wolf will look deep into your heart and share the greatest of knowledge, but will demand full participation and absolute sincerity. Wolf... will rekindle old memories within your sould... Wolf medicine can make you whole." -Ghost Wolf, "Wolf Lodge Journal"
Favourite Were Song/Band(s): "Under My Skin", Culture Beat (undoubtedly was never meant to be interpreted this way... but I take it to heart.)
Favourite Personal Quote: "... maybe we should just eat them..."
Favourite Season: Winter
Favourite Holiday: Christmas (food!)

Preferred Prey: idiot pre-adolescent "teenagers" who tend to move in disorganized "hoards"... in dreams, mostly rabbits...
Hunting Tips: divide and conquer... easier to make one kill at a time than many at once...
Preferred Method of Attack: leap&shread
Favourite Non-Were Mythological Beastie(s): gargoyles, dragons, etc...
Feelings Toward Vampires: I've met a few I could tolerate, some I came to hold as good friends... and a large majority of whiners.
Feelings Toward Normal Humans: The vast majority are arrogant ego-tripping wanderers... I have no patience for even the most liberal bigot or elitist snob... still, I've met a few I've grown close to.

Personal Therianthropy:

I guess this all began for me a little less than a year ago, when some rather painful chest surgery gave me a swift, humbling "kick in the ass" from mortality... I don't think I took its effect too seriously or even noticed, but by last fall I had subconciously forced myself into psychological seclusion, drawn into emotional and spiritual stagnation that gradually pushed me deeper into an "unconcious" state of depression. I was buried in a "spiritual hell" of sorts to the point where I was practically "praying" for a "break" from life so I could try to work out what the hell was wrong with me...

When that "break" finally came, I noticed the dark place I had created and made a vow to take this relief and make an effor to heal my soul. Synchronicity lead me to a great amount of reading and research on Native American beliefs and totem animals, and , soon after, I managed to make contact with my spirit-guide, a beautiful white-grey Wolf.

I spent a great amount of time meditating and learning from Wolf, who encouraged me to put more focus on my haphazard interest in lucid dreaming and dreamwork, a skill I eventually developed a moderate (if not very tempermental) aptitude for. In many of my lucid dreams Wolf would visit with me, teaching me of my path on the Earthwalk, of my own nature, and even more about life on this planet. I'm only now realizing what he was really preparing me for.

I'd entered one of my infrequent periods of "dream stagnation" (usually because of stress or work), and actually been without a remembered dream for over a month, let alone any lucid dreams at all, which generally require a great amount of effort and concentration on my part. Suddenly, though, barely a month ago, in one weekend I was given several dreams I thought were "lucid", but what I now believe to be "Dreams" (as described in the AHWW FAQ). They were my first real spiritual shift; I spent all of the dreams in my Wolf form, a black, broad shouldered animal with flecks of grey not unlike the smouldering edges of charcoal. I learned then and have learned recently that this form seems as constant as my human appearance; no matter what I try I always appear the same. The shifts themselves were incredible - I found myself in a dark forest on a moonlit night, running with others like myself simply for the joy of charging through the woods under the night sky. The energy I felt was indescribable; my mind, spirit and body were in harmony with the earth like never before. I could practically feel my paws touching the ground as if I was the ground itself as well as the Wolf.

Despite the intensity of the dreams, it was the after-effects that "opened my eyes". I became intensely claustrophobic, edgy, and my general awareness of my environment increased dramatically. It was after I found myself pacing back and forth indoors at work like a caged animal that I realized there was more going on than a simple dream experience.

Usually doubting my own judgement (long story there, something I'm just getting over), I began my "research" and after a few weeks of reading up on shamanism, "dreams of power" and animal spirits and archetypes, I happened upon a short description of spiritual lycanthropy on the net (written by Asikaa I believe). My curiosity was sufficiently awakened and I read more, finally stumbling on AHWW (I never used News groups before so it was an "educational" experience). I lurked on the group, read the FAQs, the webpages, werecard after werecard, and the more I read, the more I saw of myself, and the more I felt a kinship with the many theiromorphs I discovered. An old "tear" in my soul would well up, a sign I had learned in the past meant that I was near something that chanced very close to my spirit.

I've spent the last few weeks (Mar/98) meditating and communing with my guide Wolf, learning about this animal side to my spirit and how it has always been a part of me. I have shifted in meditation many times, and just recently experienced a spontaneous mental shift that hugely overshadowed anything I had experienced before (something I am still working on understanding).

In spite of all this, I still feel the scratching of self-doubt. I know in my heart, in my soul, that what I feel emotionally , instinctually and spiritually is true, but my hardened Western mind always questions everything. My hesitation in writing this simple werecard has been perfect evidence of all this; in many ways, writing this is a step to keep my self-doubt from pushing my Wolf-spirit back. I have felt the need to commune with others like myself, but I still have slight fear and self-doubt every time I think of "opening" myself to people I barely know - I have spent the majority of my spiritual path alone in my beliefs and sentiments and it is very difficult to begin to accept that I cannot continue on this path in seclusion. This werecard was a "big step" for me; I hope it will help me initiate the wonderful spiritual journey I have felt is ahead of me now.

Here's to the future...